Anticipation

Anticipation means that on the one hand I am pretty excited. My little sister and family are coming all the way across the wild, wild west from barren California to the beautiful places her brothers and mom (hers and mine) and others here call home. I know I'm a dork for being excited to see family, but I am who I am. We have so much fun together, hanging out, goofing around, being silly, reminiscing, good old-fashioned family stuff for us. Plus, Duane and I are planning to do something like a photography trip. Plus, Mom has stated that she has some fireworks that need shot up and you know what that means. Duane and I will make scary combinations that could blow up in our face and Denise will feel compelled to light them for us scaredy cats. How exciting! That much anticipation makes me worry about things that could go wrong and try to derail such an awesome time. Arggh!

That is the flip side of anticipation that drives me crazy. Okay, maybe normal people call that worry. But worry is a sin, so I'm not gonna do it. At least try not to do it. But there is the element within me that sees the sky and reads the clouds. One thing I liked about living on the high plains was that I could see the sky for seemingly hundreds of miles (it is not called Big Sky country for nothing). And one could see this towering, black thunderhead or a wide, foreboding storm front steamrolling across the landscape. And I would want to guess, is it coming for here? What will it do? What will be left after it's gone? That kind of anticipation quickens the pulse, but it's the fight-or-flight instinct playing with me, not thrill of joy.

The good thing is that we are not helpless in these. Preparations can be made. Actions can be taken that may minimize or even do away with impending trouble. Anticipation is seeing what is ahead and preparing for the worst while hoping for the best. That way one can enjoy the sunny days without worry of the storm clouds beyond the horizon. Those storms may not even come. And if they do come, we'll be ready for what may come. Meanwhile, I will work so I can savor the exciting days to come.

"By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go ... not knowing where he was going." (Hebrews 11:8)

Not know why

As you read at Ellison Snapshot, Dad finished his journey here in this life very abruptly Sunday, April 29th. We kids are dealing with our loss in our own different ways the best that we can. The platitudes and cliches have been heard and often found wanting, though we understand one's need to say those things for lack of knowing just what to say to express the feeling one feels when a friend or loved one is hurting. And that is why I appreciate those who tried to express their empathy in the best way they could think of doing. And then the week following I get to try to understand what life is like without someone who has always been there.

Understandably, we were both busy people who didn't call as often as we wished we could, much less saw each other as much as we desired. But thoughts and prayers for one another were constant. The life lessons Dad taught were ever present in my process of deciding how to live each part of my life. Thankfully those lessons will be remembered even without his reminders from life and word. And the desire to make him proud in what I do can still motivate me to do my best. It's funny how living a life for the glory of God often takes the very human face of pleasing Mom and Dad. Perhaps that will be the best and longest lasting tribute I can do for Dad.

Thought I would conclude with a couple thoughts gleaned from handwritten notes from friends who have experienced similar losses, if only because they at least encouraged me.

"It hurts to see family hurt, but our Father will not give His children more suffering than joy. And I look forward to rejoicing with you again."

"I understand not to try to understand, but we can rejoice that God is big enough so we don't need to understand."

"Jesus came not that we might not suffer, but that our suffering might be like His."

But one of the best encouragements was having my beloved siblings and family together. I treasure them.

See you later, Dad.